Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
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The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me