me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
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*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Good news
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not