me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
You Might Also Like
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.