Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.