Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
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The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅