Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
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People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Last-minute gift idea!
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I was just discussing this with my cat
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Quadruple digit IQ
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.