Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
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“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?