Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
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I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I think we should hear other voices.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*