Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
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I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread