Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
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interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Actually cracking up @ this
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for