Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
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That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Jupiter
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma