never forget
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[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
shut up and take my money
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter