To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
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As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.