Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
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Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
These are too funny not to post 😂
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look