Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
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Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎