Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
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I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf