Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
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kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
How to make infinite energy.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do