Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.