We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@daddydoubts: Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
@crocodilethumbs: Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
@Mom_Overboard: Don't go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
@dave_cactus: God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
@murrman5: gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
@FeelingEuphoric: [begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I'm SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn