Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
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Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.