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Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
“and how does that make you feel?”
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Smooooooth