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@jergarl: Me: I love you with my hole heart.
Wife: Wrong hole.
@lecalabara: I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
@greggjgc79: Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves....
You have lettuce in your teeth
@david8hughes: Cop: we know you're in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
@Michabean: Careful...I've already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn't end well for you.
@apok842: I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.