Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
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According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
They say women only use 10% of their anger
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time