Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
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me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no