Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.