Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
🖤✌🏽
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.