ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
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Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye