Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
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Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
wow he looks just like him
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate