Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
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you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.