Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
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[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling âI swear to god I am in court right now!â And the judge said, âyes, you are.â
Im on my burner commenting âthank you for normalizing nose hair !â on his girlfriends tiktoks
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesnât like my boyfriend? đ
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues thereâs a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openiâ [CIA agents tackle me]
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DONâT THEY?
I wouldâve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question âwhat is your âwhyâ youâre a healthcare workerâ and I put âpaycheckâ and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
If you canât be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese youâre with.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.đ˘”
Fishing for compliments like âIâm a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is meâ.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
When youâre on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
Thatâs the moment you wish you had kids.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Doctor: youâre not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP