Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
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The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Thursday Thought.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?