me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Spring of Deception
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw