Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
You Might Also Like
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Running from your problems is cardio .
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]