I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
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Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Yup!
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me: