All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
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I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.