Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
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Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
and now we wait
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.