Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
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a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Finally!
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like