I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
You Might Also Like
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
sleeping beauty
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.