me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
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HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
*Inspirational Tweets*