Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
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[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings