ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
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My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.