ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
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Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.