me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
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DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Bro what is this
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
We avoided this particular disaster
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.