Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
You Might Also Like
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Not all heroes wear capes.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.