Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on