ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
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You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there