ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
You Might Also Like
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Found the job I’m suited for
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Ken is short for chicken
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!