ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
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You are not alone 💚
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
A drum solo but on your face.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.