Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
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[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
me irl
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH