me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.