Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
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It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]